January 8, 2013

  • Addicted to Approval

    I grew up in a time when parents really did not praise their children. My parents said they did not want me to get "the big head." Yeah, right. I remember being SO hungry for a good word, just a LITTLE encouragement and approval, but that was just not the way my parents did things. I don't blame them. They did the best they knew how.

    For years, I pushed myself HARD. I lived for any tiny crumb of approval I could get from anyone. I excelled. I took on way more than I should have. I hated a lot of the things I did, but I just could not say "no" to anyone. I didn't just want people to like me.... I wanted them to think I was awesome! I am probably lucky I didn't have a nervous breakdown.

    It must have made the Lord so sad. I could never see any good in me. I could never be content to be who I was. It just didn't seem good enough. By the time I graduated from high school, I had been on the homecoming and junior prom courts, vice president of student council, and co-editor of the yearbook. I sung in two choirs, I did art work and bulletin boards for the library. I was in the art club and on decorating committees for all the parties and dances. I sung with a dance band and a folk group, and won the DAR Good Citizenship award, as well as the Principal's award. I also had decent grades.

    You would think all of this would have made me proud and given me some self esteem. Nope. Inside I knew I was nothing. Nothing. At least that is how I felt. It was such a bondage, and it wasn't true. But, it was what I THOUGHT was true. It was my reality. I worked to impress people, not because I enjoyed what I was doing. I NEEDED to impress people, because for a little while, their praise made me feel better. I needed constant affirmation to feel good, but it never lasted.

    Thankfully, God set me free from this bondage. Just in time, too, as I was really becoming "unhinged!"  What a relief it was to be free of the need to please everyone! What a joy it was to be able to say "no" to things without feeling guilty! Pleasing my heavenly Father became my main priority, and knowing He loved and approved of me meant so much.

    It is so easy to become a "people pleaser." But, it isn't healthy. It isn't right. If you think you struggle with this, there is a good book my Joyce Meyer called Approval Addiction - overcoming your need to please everyone  which may help you. You can never please everyone. You can never be that perfect. God accepts and loves us the way we are, and I am so glad of that!

Comments (9)

  • Been there. Done that. Not exactly in the same ways, but I understand. I rarely go back to that need because God freed me from that when I was a young mother, but there are times - especially when i am criticized or make a stupid mistake - when I need to remind myself that I don't have to be perfect to be loved and treasured by God.

  • don't you think things work out like they should though?  What if instead of being so busy you had fallen in with the "ne'er-do-well's" and made a mess of things...and look how accomplished you are now, whether it made you happy or not.  Life is difficult for young people, even with the Grace of God, I think you've turned out very nicely 

  • I grew up in the same atmosphere where I was never praised for anything. I still look for approval, and take on stuff, that I cannot do. I need to look to God for help.  

  • The hunger for approval is a bottomless pit. We can never do enough.

    To know that God approves of me unconditionally has been life-changing, after so many years of shame and guilt and inadequacy.

  • I am still a recovering people pleaser.   It is a dreadful condition.  God has helped me much,  but I have far to go and I am running out of timr.

  • I was just going to tell you about Frank but I see he already commented above me.

    After years of being aware of my people pleasing the best I can get is,"it's my turn."

  • Great post.  Glad you learned such a valuable lesson.  Abba loves us unconditionally.

  • @mlbncsga - I do think God can turn things around, and that we can learn a lot from our mistakes. Still, I remember how I always felt so worthless and hopeless.... I never had any confidence. I tried really hard to affirm my own children, and I hope they feel better about themselves than I did. I did a lot of stupid things looking for love and approval. (especially from men)  I am so thankful that God kept me from terrible consequences. 

  • Like Doris ~ been there, done that ~ praise God for His deliverance, even though I still struggle with it from time to time ~

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